i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
