So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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