1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
