So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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