My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
