you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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