I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
