just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
