Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
