How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
