You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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