My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
