A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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