I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Be still, my beating vagina.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
