Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
So many bounce houses so little time
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
