we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
