Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
