Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
