In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
