I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
