Only a mothe r could love this liver
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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