omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
