The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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