i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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