WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
