operation have a gay friend backfired
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My ass is underappreciated
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
