If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
