i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
