Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
