watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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