well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
