Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
