BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
