everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
