He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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