fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
