I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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