OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
