I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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