Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
