today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
