Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
