Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
