So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
