Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
