ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
