I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
