i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
