I think im going to throw up on grandma
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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