So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
