You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
