My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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