I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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