he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
