Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Never joke about your clitoris.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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