So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I have aggressive nipples.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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