i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
